and... im back!

How have you been?
Im writing after a year of hiatus!
Im inconsistent like that,I know!
I have decided that Im not the diary-writing sort of person. So writing down daily happenings is not my thing.Plus my life is mundane anyways.
Butttttt, I do love to share so now that I got some interesting stuff to share, so share I shall!

Most recent happening---> I HAVE STARTED TRYING TO CONCIEVE FOR OUR SECOND ONE!
Yay husband and I!
I have made up my mind, this journey is going to end up with a child, be it through pregnancy or adoption. May Allah Makes it easy for the three of us..
Anyhow, I have also come down to a solid conclusion that my TTC project is not going to be as straight forward as doing the baby dance every other night. Or charting basal body temp,or ovulation test and all the classic works. Those are going to be in the second phase of the project *see how Im adressing it as a Project? thats how determine I am this time around okayyyyyy!*

And so Im presenting the first phase of the Project Baby #2....THE WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!

Suprise much? dont be. Im sure every overweight/obese hopeful moms out there have been advised to lose some weight prior to TTC.When I found out I was carrying my Maryam, I have just lost a total of 5kgs at the time of conception. Went down from 74 to 68kgs,no less.heh! Im generally pissed with fertile people who goes around asking me when the second one is coming, but I believe I have rant in a whole post on that. But I also hate their reaction upon hearing that Im trying to lose weight before getting fertility treatment. Some people would go naming people they know who were obese but able to concieve. Or giving out free "professional" opinion that being obese is not the reason one is unable to concieve. Eh, if you know the exact reason why I am not able to concieve as yet, pray tell. These people have not a single empathetic bone in them.Stay away from them at all cost if you,like me are obese and trying to concieve. I digress.

So, all negativity aside *shooing negative vibe out the window* here I will be sharing on my weight loss journey. Im giving myself 3 months to lose around 13 kilos healthily so watch out this space for more updates! Laters!

my baby had fever

hey hey hey...
I have been soooo carried away with raya, office work, and my baby being unwell that I havent been posting any entries. today is a dark cold cold saturday morning with my baby n husband sleeping sound on both sides so I decided I would write something.

Maryam came down with fever two weeks ago and has been coughing eversince. She has been on meds but doctor says if the cough doesnt settle down by monday, she has to be admitted for observation and other treatment. I've been praying for her to get well.

She has lost her appetite during the earlier course of the cough due to horrible red and sore throat and lost about 300 grams in a week. And that is saying a lot cause I just found out during the doctor's visit that my kid only weighs 8.5kgs at 16 months!

That is certainly taking after the father, I'll tell you that much! and I was telling everyone I'm sure she's close to 10 months now.

Please make du'a that my baby gets well soon. Her appetite is back almost as before so I'm enjoying our makan sessions. But of course the aftermath is not painless as she insisted on feeding herself now. So its mama suap and maryam suap at the same time. Anything to make her eat, at this point. and maybe something to make mama eats less, at this point hahaha! I have been steadily putting on weight from raya onwards.crazy.I really never learn from my obese weight.haish.

Maryam's speech is getting better! the other day she said "mama, poop!" and then she pooped. good job kid, but I dont see toilet training anytime soon as mama is just too lazy to clean up after accidents.maybe we shall consider potty after her 2years birthday.

I shall be posting again real soon, but right now i'm enjoying my undisturbed online-iPad time that I am going to end this post here.i foresee a fun filled weekend!

Maryam's funny language

Well, my baby girl has turned 16 months a few days ago. hey only 2 months shy of her 18th month birthday!
Her speech is getting clearer, more vocab of course, communication is easier.
"do you want ayer (water) maryam?"
"yash"*yes*
"do you love abah?"
"yash"
"do you love mama?"
*quiet, no reply*
hey not fair! I guess we still have a lot to work on eh.heheh.we'll get there.

It gets easier. she tells you where she has pain, what she wants, what she doesnt want.
not necessarily verbal all the time. I suppose a screamin' does count as communication! heh!

funny thing about her, she has started jumbling the syllable of some words. we experienced this with my niece, safya, last time when she was around this age.
And now maryam is going through this 'phase'.although it sure is funny!
and this happens when she gets excited and rushed her speech
she would go;

calling her aunt "mak ngah!mak ngah!ngahma!"
showing off her mosquito bite "mama, namuk, namuk, manuk"
even saying her own name " manyam.manyam.nyamam"

Super funny. we laughed our heads off when she's not looking, and listening. she makes the house merry!

*update*

i have been keeping this entry for five days!
sorry life has been a bit hectic
and i still cant figure out how to upload pictures here using iPad
buta apple sgt saya ni
maryam came down with a fever n cold a couple of days ago
but she is perfectly fine now
still quite a handful!
till then!

Giving up on breastfeeding

I'm sure almost all new mothers face difficulties breastfeeding for the first time, only at different levels. some maybe harder than the other.
I do feel my experience deserve a sharing, in the hopes that moms facing the same challenges will continue their struggle to feed their baby, InsyaAllah
Although I must warn you, this is not a story of success!

Here's my story:

My breastfeeding journey isnt really a walk in the park. I knew I wanted to bf my baby, but didnt prepare much (except for purchasing my pump way earlier, in the early stage of pregnancy!hah!). On baby's first day, the nurse at the hospital asked me to bf. I had colostrum but baby couldnt latch properly due to the nature of my nipple (I wouldnt discuss the architecture of my nipple here, ahem, but whatever you read on the shapes of nipple that makes breastfeeding harder, mine is one of those!hehehe). Not much milk came out neither, which is normal, only i didnt know this. With some coaxing from the nurse, I reluctantly agreed for the nurse to feed my baby formula. I was scared the baby would die of hunger. Yes, all this craziness within only two days of baby being born. so unnecessary! But of course, being an unprepared newbie, I gave in.

After the milk came, I continue to bf, still doesnt know the signs of baby correctly latched, baby being full or had enough milk. After 10 days, the nurse came to the house and weigh the baby, only to know that she has lost 11% of her birth weight. A normal weight lost should not exceed 10%, i was told. I then panicked, and it occurs to me that maybe she didnt get much milk. This was a possibilty since she hardly seem satisfied after a feeding session. I then pumped my milk and fed her with a spoon. Only then she showed signs of being full and content with the feeding. There you have it. It finally sank in that my baby has not been properly fed for 10 days! and i, being a super dramatic mom-in-confinement translates this into " my baby has been starving for 10 days!". I felt like a horrible mom.I felt like a failure.

An so I pumped and spoon fed my baby for four days. I saw my girl choked on the milk, and cried. Got scolded by mom for crying, fearing if I fall into postpartum depression. And I cried some more for being scolded. hahahahah and sulked at my mom for a couple of days after.

Then one day, on the fourteenth day, I ran out of ebm to feed the baby. And no milk came out when I pumped. Back then I didnt know that baby's sucking is much stronger than pump, and can draw out milk when the pump cant. I thought pumping was good enough since mine was a hospital grade pump (hello medela freestyle!heheheh). Baby started screaming with hunger, and I didnt know what else to do, tried to give her boobie, but she couldnt latch properly. We had no formula kept in the house and it was 5am in the morning, no shops were open. Baby cried, I cried, mom tried to feed baby with water. It was heartbreaking. I even thought, thats it. maybe breastfeeding is not for me. I was going to pump again when boobs are full and planned to supplement with formula. I thought not everyone is meant to breastfeed, and I am one of those.

My mom rushed to buy formula as soon as the shop opened. After 2oz of formula, baby slept. I was a mess. Then my sister and her family arrived! She came back to Ipoh because she had a feeling I was facing the same problem she faced last time. Well, nipple architecture runs in the family, I tell you. Thank you genetics.heheh.
True enough, we had the same problem. So she taught me how to latch baby on.Stood behind me for the longest time, holding my breast, cradled the baby's head, cheered me on, shouted kata-kata semangat, and breastfed my baby when I was being a baby for having my nipples chapped from all those trying to latch effort.
And she breastfed my baby when I was upset and wanted to sleep. Yes, Im more of a quitter kind. My sister was more of the determined, tough chic kind.hahahha. I owe that woman so much. I love her. She's my sanity!
and two days later, before she left for KL, i was able to direct feed my baby myself. We latched beautifully and baby steadily gained weight.

It was a mixed emotion. Finally able to correctly latched and feed my baby,only two days ago thinking maybe I was meant to only pump and bottle feed her. It was a huge feeling of syukur, grateful, triumph, success, you name it. It felt like the biggest success of my life, after childbirth!

since then, I have been exclusively breastfeeding her for seven months, and continue to direct feed her at home while supplementing her with formula at daycare. Because I was a lazy ass and stopped pumping after the seventh month.

Lazy ass aside, I have been breastfeeding my little Maryam for one year and four months now. I hope to share on how much I love breastfeeding in the coming entry.

The point of this entry is also to share the mistakes I made in the hopes that it helps others, so here goes.

1) Not reading/researching enough on breastfeeding.
I must confess that during pregnancy, I focused a lot, or maybe a little too much on birth process that I didnt read up enough on breastfeeding and early education. This is despite my sister's constant reminder to do so!I would strongly suggest one to read on how the body produces milk first and foremost. It is most important that we know how our body works, only then we can trust our body's ability to breastfeed. Because how can we trust something we don't understand, right? Then, continue reading on latching technique, expressing milk (for working moms), and how to store and handle expressed milk the right way. I would also suggest reading on problems faced in breastfeeding.

2)Get support
I am lucky that I have a supportive environment. My sister, mother, most of my aunts breastfeed their kids. But I feel for working moms, we do need more support as it takes a lot more effort than those direct feeding their babies. Pumping, for instance, isnt fun and does requires effort, determination and willpower. If you are lucky like myself, good for you, but if you are not, then you need to create that supportive surrounding. Start with the husband. Get him to support you. And of course no one would support a cause they dont understand. So get your husband to understand the benefit of breastfeeding. To the baby, to the mom, and to the mom-baby relationship and to the baby's emotional development. Breastfeeding is more than just "oh, formula is just too expensive nowadays"

3)Get help. In my case I had my sister. Who took leave just to help me get the right latch!Just because she wanted my to have the benefit and pleasure of breastfeeding like she had. I owe that woman so much.and I took leave to assist my younger sister who
later faced the same problem. she even had it tougher that my elder sister, and I, and Alhamdulillah, she is also breasfeeding her baby now. My elder sister had to get help from a lactation consultant since there's no one in the family that could help.so remember,If there's no one, look up for a lactation consultant in your area and make an appointment!

During labor : hypnobirth breathing technique

There's a blog i always follow asking on labor breathing technique, so I figure, let's share the hypnobirth way!

well, there's three types of breathing.All to be used at the different phases of labor.

First - the relaxation breathing. This is used, well, as the name recommends, to relax. Aside from when contraction hits, or delivering the baby, this type of breathing is to be used at all times.And best of all, this can be used well after labor. In your everyday life, when you are tensed, feel that temper raising, horrible bowel movement while waiting for your loo turn (heheheheh), use this technique
Technique : breathe in through the nose while quietly counting from one to seven (macam kira satu saat, dua saat tiga saat), then breathe out through the nose again, while quietly counting from one to seven. the key here is to focus on the counting. This helps distract you from the pain.

Second - while having contraction. Once you feel a contraction coming,use this breathing. It's a very slow breathing, and requires practise. It is best to practise 4 weeks before your EDD.
Technique : breathe in through your nose, while quietly counting from one to eight, the VERY, VERY SLOWLY release (breathe out) while quietly counting from one to TWENTY. When I first started, by the fourteen count dah habis dah breathe out semua udara. hahaha that's why one must practise this technique earlier. But, do not cheat and hold your breath semata2 nak sampaikan kiraan 20 tu. you must slowly release the air. This technique makes your body totally relax n lembut, so you will not clench or keraskan your body when contraction comes. Bila badan keras contraction becomes even more painful. So dont grab that bed railing (or your husband's arm ahahha), instead lembutkan badan and relax, slowly breathe sampai contraction passed.
Birth partner/husband's role : husband's can play their part in this technique. Discuss with your husband what signal to use to show you're having contraction. Cuit tgn ke, tepuk tilam ke.so he will know what you are experiencing at the moment. try not to talk, because this takes your energy and distract your concentration. Husbands can then help by counting 1-8, then 1-20, to help you to stay focus and back on track. Having assistance like this help prevent you from 'losing it'

Third : when pushing the baby out. Really, this one is the trickiest as it is opposite from what hospitals practise. In hypnobirth, you are recommended to breathe out the baby, and not use your might to push out. But, best follow your doctor since I am not a liscenced hypnobirth trainer. Still, I shall share the method anyway.
Technique : breathe in while quietly (dalam hati) counting from one to seven. Then breathe out quickly as if you are breathing the baby out. This also requires practise, and best part is, the only almost real situation when you can practise is when pooping. hehehhe infact, when you are done delivering the baby, this technique can still be used everytime you poop! hahahah! When you are on the toilet seat feeling an urge to pass motion, breathe in counts of eight, then breathe down! this way, your body is relaxed and not stiff/clenched, so passing is easier.
This works,really. go try.hahahah

nota kaki : i wouldnt recommend holding your breathe at any time as oxygen supply is crucial to keep baby calm and oxygen sampai to baby's brain. I also wouldnt recommend breathing through the mouth as it tires you out faster and tekak/mulut cepat kering.pastu dahaga. Also I wouldnt recommend breathing in gulps of air, because it makes you kelam kabut and breathing tak smooth. I feel that steady and consistant breathing helps keep baby calm and relaxed, so dia lahir pun relax saja tak marah marah.

InsyaAllah, practising hypnobirth breathing shall ease the delivery process by a mile, and help you stay relaxed and calm. You wont even remember to ask for epidural, because you are too busy focusing on your breathing, counting, and trusting your body's ability to birth naturally.

Good luck dear ceeramoon. May Allah Swt Makes it easy for you.Amin.

I'm back, post raya!

This is unbelievably short cos I am already in the office and work is keeping me busy.
After the long raya silence, I am back and has steadily put back on the weight I lost during Ramadhan. pftt.
Okay gotta get back to work. Laters!

Selamat tinggal Ramadhan 1433H

Assalamualaikum wbt

Saya dengan rendah hati ingin memohon ampun dan maaf kepada sahabat/keluarga yang membaca blog ini atas segala kesilapan dan kekhilafan saya sepanjang kita berhubungan.

Setiap tahun pun sedih rasa bila Ramadhan nak tinggalkan kita. Especially bila amal ibadah saya tak seberapa mana. Cabaran tahun ni lebih sikit sebab ada toddler, dan sebab saya tak bersedia terlebih dahulu. Menyesal tak ikut nasihat kakak saya, prepare for Ramadhan, those who simply stumbles upon Ramadhan without gearing up for it first will find themselves unprepared.
Astaghfirullahalazim.

Tahun ini betul2 berharap dalam hati supaya tahun depan lebih baik,lebih baik,lagi kualiti ibadah dan pengisian Ramadhan. Istajib dua anaa ya Allah!

Kegembiraan saya menyambut raya adalah kerana ahli keluarga ada bersama. Rindu pada adik beradik n mak. Tapi x dpt menutup terkilan hati kerana x kuat melawan nafsu utk beribadah.

Kepada Ustazah Wan Jah, walaupun tak membaca blog ini, terima kasih. Atas usaha anda, insyaAllah ramai orang mendapat hidayah mendapat ilmu.
Ustazah kak wan selalu sebut dalam doa beliau,
"Ya Allah, jadikanlah aku penyebab orang lain mendapat hidayah"
setiap kali sampai part situ airmata dia mengalir.
ya Allah, Kau Berilah pahala setimpal kepada Kak Wan atas usahanya, Kau Permudahkanlah dakwahnya dan Kau Lindungilah dia selalu.
Semoga tahun depan kak Wan bantu saya lagi untuk bersedia awal.

Ustazah Wan Jah juga menyebut, hiasilah malam raya dengan berqiamullail. Kerana malam raya adalah malam2 yang doa paling makbul. Dan dimana pahala mencurah2.
wallahualam.sekadar berkongsi. Semoga saya menjadi penyebab orang lain mendapat hidayah.
Amin.

Sedih sungguh hati ini. tapi menyesal tiada berguna.
Ustazah saya juga pesan jangan sombong meminta kepada Allah, oleh itu, permintaan saya,

Ya Allah, Kau Temukanlah aku dengan Ramadhan tahun hadapan dan berikutnya.
Istajib dua ana, Ya Allah....