Giving up on breastfeeding

I'm sure almost all new mothers face difficulties breastfeeding for the first time, only at different levels. some maybe harder than the other.
I do feel my experience deserve a sharing, in the hopes that moms facing the same challenges will continue their struggle to feed their baby, InsyaAllah
Although I must warn you, this is not a story of success!

Here's my story:

My breastfeeding journey isnt really a walk in the park. I knew I wanted to bf my baby, but didnt prepare much (except for purchasing my pump way earlier, in the early stage of pregnancy!hah!). On baby's first day, the nurse at the hospital asked me to bf. I had colostrum but baby couldnt latch properly due to the nature of my nipple (I wouldnt discuss the architecture of my nipple here, ahem, but whatever you read on the shapes of nipple that makes breastfeeding harder, mine is one of those!hehehe). Not much milk came out neither, which is normal, only i didnt know this. With some coaxing from the nurse, I reluctantly agreed for the nurse to feed my baby formula. I was scared the baby would die of hunger. Yes, all this craziness within only two days of baby being born. so unnecessary! But of course, being an unprepared newbie, I gave in.

After the milk came, I continue to bf, still doesnt know the signs of baby correctly latched, baby being full or had enough milk. After 10 days, the nurse came to the house and weigh the baby, only to know that she has lost 11% of her birth weight. A normal weight lost should not exceed 10%, i was told. I then panicked, and it occurs to me that maybe she didnt get much milk. This was a possibilty since she hardly seem satisfied after a feeding session. I then pumped my milk and fed her with a spoon. Only then she showed signs of being full and content with the feeding. There you have it. It finally sank in that my baby has not been properly fed for 10 days! and i, being a super dramatic mom-in-confinement translates this into " my baby has been starving for 10 days!". I felt like a horrible mom.I felt like a failure.

An so I pumped and spoon fed my baby for four days. I saw my girl choked on the milk, and cried. Got scolded by mom for crying, fearing if I fall into postpartum depression. And I cried some more for being scolded. hahahahah and sulked at my mom for a couple of days after.

Then one day, on the fourteenth day, I ran out of ebm to feed the baby. And no milk came out when I pumped. Back then I didnt know that baby's sucking is much stronger than pump, and can draw out milk when the pump cant. I thought pumping was good enough since mine was a hospital grade pump (hello medela freestyle!heheheh). Baby started screaming with hunger, and I didnt know what else to do, tried to give her boobie, but she couldnt latch properly. We had no formula kept in the house and it was 5am in the morning, no shops were open. Baby cried, I cried, mom tried to feed baby with water. It was heartbreaking. I even thought, thats it. maybe breastfeeding is not for me. I was going to pump again when boobs are full and planned to supplement with formula. I thought not everyone is meant to breastfeed, and I am one of those.

My mom rushed to buy formula as soon as the shop opened. After 2oz of formula, baby slept. I was a mess. Then my sister and her family arrived! She came back to Ipoh because she had a feeling I was facing the same problem she faced last time. Well, nipple architecture runs in the family, I tell you. Thank you genetics.heheh.
True enough, we had the same problem. So she taught me how to latch baby on.Stood behind me for the longest time, holding my breast, cradled the baby's head, cheered me on, shouted kata-kata semangat, and breastfed my baby when I was being a baby for having my nipples chapped from all those trying to latch effort.
And she breastfed my baby when I was upset and wanted to sleep. Yes, Im more of a quitter kind. My sister was more of the determined, tough chic kind.hahahha. I owe that woman so much. I love her. She's my sanity!
and two days later, before she left for KL, i was able to direct feed my baby myself. We latched beautifully and baby steadily gained weight.

It was a mixed emotion. Finally able to correctly latched and feed my baby,only two days ago thinking maybe I was meant to only pump and bottle feed her. It was a huge feeling of syukur, grateful, triumph, success, you name it. It felt like the biggest success of my life, after childbirth!

since then, I have been exclusively breastfeeding her for seven months, and continue to direct feed her at home while supplementing her with formula at daycare. Because I was a lazy ass and stopped pumping after the seventh month.

Lazy ass aside, I have been breastfeeding my little Maryam for one year and four months now. I hope to share on how much I love breastfeeding in the coming entry.

The point of this entry is also to share the mistakes I made in the hopes that it helps others, so here goes.

1) Not reading/researching enough on breastfeeding.
I must confess that during pregnancy, I focused a lot, or maybe a little too much on birth process that I didnt read up enough on breastfeeding and early education. This is despite my sister's constant reminder to do so!I would strongly suggest one to read on how the body produces milk first and foremost. It is most important that we know how our body works, only then we can trust our body's ability to breastfeed. Because how can we trust something we don't understand, right? Then, continue reading on latching technique, expressing milk (for working moms), and how to store and handle expressed milk the right way. I would also suggest reading on problems faced in breastfeeding.

2)Get support
I am lucky that I have a supportive environment. My sister, mother, most of my aunts breastfeed their kids. But I feel for working moms, we do need more support as it takes a lot more effort than those direct feeding their babies. Pumping, for instance, isnt fun and does requires effort, determination and willpower. If you are lucky like myself, good for you, but if you are not, then you need to create that supportive surrounding. Start with the husband. Get him to support you. And of course no one would support a cause they dont understand. So get your husband to understand the benefit of breastfeeding. To the baby, to the mom, and to the mom-baby relationship and to the baby's emotional development. Breastfeeding is more than just "oh, formula is just too expensive nowadays"

3)Get help. In my case I had my sister. Who took leave just to help me get the right latch!Just because she wanted my to have the benefit and pleasure of breastfeeding like she had. I owe that woman so much.and I took leave to assist my younger sister who
later faced the same problem. she even had it tougher that my elder sister, and I, and Alhamdulillah, she is also breasfeeding her baby now. My elder sister had to get help from a lactation consultant since there's no one in the family that could help.so remember,If there's no one, look up for a lactation consultant in your area and make an appointment!